I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
