People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
