At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
birth control should be required to get into college
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
