Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
