I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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