Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
