You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Sorry my hands just texted you
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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