Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
