It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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