my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
