mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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