I want to make a zoo with you.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
