Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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