I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
