Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
accomplished twins. life is a go
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
