There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
