In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
