Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
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Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
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I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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