Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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