if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
