I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
