we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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