Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
