Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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