Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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