Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
