Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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