Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
