Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
