I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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