you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
