I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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