I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
