it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
