BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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