Say something about gay babies.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...