my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
party gras won. party gras always wins.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
