too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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