Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
