do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
