My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
what is it with giant penises always finding me
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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