I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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