In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
