how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
