to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
