mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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