Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
