I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
