I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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