Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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