So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
