Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
