we have officially lost it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
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