I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
