It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
