That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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