she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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