He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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