I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
