Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
